He watched her get on the train for what seemed like the millionth time.

Each time he swore it was going to be the last time.

He couldn’t doubt it really: he set the stage for the last goodbye quite perfectly, saying another version of the words he had already said, expressing once again what she meant to him, hoping, that maybe their paths would cross again some other day.

Maybe.

And then he takes his train, and she returns to her home.

The next day, he calls her again. But she doesn’t love him now. And yet, that doesn’t stop him hope to spark up again.  And the vicious cycle continues.

That is what it feels like, loving someone who doesn’t love you back. The thoughts of the person keep you running in circles.

Sometimes you seem to be happy in this vicious cycle without knowing about the future outcome of it.

It was last time, you swore to God that you will close your heart, seal it, harden it so that none/nothing/no one can penetrate!

You don’t want to fall in love again, let alone fall in love with a person who doesn’t reciprocate your feelings.

Because who wants that in life? Who wants to experience the excitement of romance, the jitters, the birth of new hope only for it to be dashed every time? But more importantly, who wants the constant reminder of what could have been, constantly seeing the person that you love so much and yet can’t be with, except as friends? Who wants to be in that constant pain and feeling of rejection, over something that they always wanted but could never get?

Who doesn’t want to fall in love and stay alone?

Loving someone who doesn’t love you back, requires a lot of trying and effort from your end. It alters a person completely, right from the change in their behaviour to the change in their get up, doing something less, putting more effort into something else, all in the hope that maybe, someday things will work out.

What can possibly be worse is that you get to know that even the other person was into you once upon a time and then just lost interest. And you are left stranded with a thousand thoughts running amok in your head and constantly asking yourself what you can do to fix this situation

Because you keep hoping that something’s going to change. You have that sliver of hope in your heart and it builds into something bigger in your head and then, you realize that if you wait around long enough, something will happen for sure.

But it always gets to me, how we manage to end up in such a situation in the first place. Sometimes I feel that it is all our fault. You know, we make this whole notion up in our heads. We tend to perceive it to be something that it isn’t. What’s  even worse is that we don’t see the actions of our object of affection as they are, we see them the way we want to see them.

This entirely disconnects us from the sheer reality of the situation!

But do you know what absolutely blows? When we choose to be this way; when we choose to remain in this state of self-purgatory.

And why? Oh, because she smiled at me a little longer than usual, he insisted to drop me home and made sure I reached home safe and sound, she came out of her way to see my parents, he spoke to me till 3 in the morning.

This just makes us feel that they are so right for us, aren’t they?

Indeed, that is what we keep telling ourselves every second of every day. Every time we decide to move away, to put some distance, to let go, we aren’t really doing anything. We only go as far as for them to give us some teeny, tiny hint that they miss our presence or they need us, and we run back into their arms faster than the speed of light.

All we want to know is that they need us so that we can keep torturing ourselves over it because love is a winding road of cracks and potholes isn’t it? What comes easy in life anyway?

Then one day, we stop. We get tired, exhausted from being constantly sad all the time, and drained from all the thoughts in our head which keep playing every possible scenario over and over again like a broken record.  We get tired of chasing, and ultimately realize that all we were trying to do was convince ourselves of something which we pretty much knew was false.

That’s the thing! Until we reach that point ourselves we don’t realise that we need to let go and we don’t!. No matter what someone says or does, even if that person we are so in love with shows us that they are not as keen as we are, we just can’t believe it until we reach the point of outright rejection.

That’s when we realize that life is not a movie and we just can’t change the world with a song, and can’t make someone love you if you kiss them long enough!

I was at the station in Cluj-Napoca, Romania. Her train was at 4 pm and mine was at 4:15 pm to Bucharest. We were sitting on a bench in the station, desperately trying to control our feelings. She had already cried her heart out in our room. We were discussing how our 6 weeks experience was and now the last day had brought us to this bench on this station. We were making promises that we would meet again in some other part of the world and cherish these memories, though we knew that the reunion was a tiny and distant speck in the tunnel of the future. That feeling was the worst one I ever had! The train whistled in the distance and I knew that the time had come.

Trains have been an important part of my life. They have been the start and end of endless happy and some sad stories.

Her train would leave in 10 minutes. I held her hand, kissed her on her cheeks and hugged her tightly. And I broke down too! I wept like never before! She must have felt the vibrations of my crying as I felt her grip getting tighter.

Sometimes, life leaves you with questions which remain unanswered forever. And mine was: does she really love me or is it just the feeling that we won’t be meeting again anytime soon?

I decided to be strong, and let her go. We said our goodbyes. As the train started to roll out of the station, she looked at me through her coach window. And I stared back, till the train was out of sight. And this time, I won’t look back at her in life, waiting for her train to whistle around again, because she was already gone.

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